I’ve just realised I haven’t written my blog for a week now.  Shame on me – I do apologise!

Well what a week of angst it’s been.  I went out with TS last Thursday and had a lovely time.  I then didn’t hear from him the Friday or the Saturday.  Now, I know he said that he’s the kind of man who is only able to think 5 minutes ahead of himself and therefore never makes plans etc, but I’m the kind of girl that needs a bit of reassurance.  I was expecting a text or something to validate my thinking that he’d had a nice evening too.  I decided I couldn’t wait any longer so I text him Saturday night and casually asked him what he was up to that night.  I said that I’d been let down but I still fancied going out and I wondered whether he was free.  Unfortunately someone had beaten me to it and he had already agreed to go out with some of his friends.  However, he actually invited me out with them!  He said we could either meet in the pub or he could call for me and we could walk to the pub together!  This was the validation I needed as he wouldn’t have invited me out if he didn’t like me.  That was enough for me and I declined his offer.  I didn’t want to gate crash his lads night out and I didn’t want his friends to think bad of me for doing so.

This is when the worrying began again.  I didn’t hear anything from him for the next 4 days.  I knew I couldn’t have done anything to put him off me since him inviting me out on the Saturday until then so I was a bit confused.  My friends advised me to wait until the weekend and then get in touch with him.  If I had no luck then I was to forget about him.  Good advice I thought, although I couldn’t wait until the weekend.  I text him Wednesday evening and asked him out this weekend. 

Again I heard nothing. 

I didn’t know whether I was coming or going and was totally gutted about it actually.  I kept thinking how I had managed to ruin it without even seeing him!  Anyway, last night (Thursday) I had a text to say I had voice mail messages.  TS had tried to call several times and for some reason he kept getting my voice mail.  On the third time of trying he left a message asking me to get in touch.  It would seem after all of the worrying I had done my phone was actually broken and I wasn’t receiving incoming calls.  He couldn’t text as he had no credit so it was all a bit of a mess really.  I spoke to him today and we have arranged to go out tomorrow night.  We’re just going out in Guisborough for a few drinks but I’m quite excited about it. 

My friend Sarah advised me to have a few drinks and then snog his face off!  We’ll see what happens…

Well, I’ve actually been on a date with TS since the last time I wrote in my blog!  He had said on Sunday that he would phone mid week and phone mid week he did.  He was taking a stroll in Guisborough woods and thought he’d phone.  He sounded lovely on the phone… quiet posh for a Guisborough bloke!  I couldn’t really hear him properly as his phone had gone weird in the woods so I said for him to text me.  Anyway, we did text a bit and arranged to go out the following night (last night).

He picked me up at 8pm in his little Ka car and we started talking the moment I got in and didn’t stop all night.  We went just outside Guisborough to the Jolly Sailors for a quiet drink.  He’s just as good looking as I remember!  He told me all about his family and had some amazing stories to tell.  He’s so interesting and I could have stayed listening to him all night and he's very clever and very funny. 

The body language as far as I could tell was promising.  We were sat opposite each other and he kept leaning in close to me and almost touching my hands.  Now, I’ve been on dates before with men I don't like where I’ve kept so far away from them I might as well have been in the next room, so I took that as a good sign.  Time just flew by and before I knew it, it was 11pm and time for bed.  He drove me home and I listened to some music he had sampled on his i-pod which was really good.  Then came the dreaded time when you’re getting out of the car and have to decide what to do.  I wanted to let him know that I liked him but didn’t want to seem too keen.  I simply said that I had a nice evening and if he wanted to go out again that would be nice.  It’s always awkward whether or not to kiss someone so I opted for a peck on the cheek although I’m not 100% sure whether he was going for a kiss on the lips!

Last night I had a good feeling about it.  This morning I was having doubts.  I always look back and think I shouldn’t have said something I did or I should have maybe made more of an effort to show that I liked him or maybe I should have been more relaxed!  Only time will tell and until he rings or texts I’ll continue to have doubts. 

If this doesn’t work out I have been invited a charity ball in September where I’ll be mingling with doctors and specialists so you never know…

Today is the day that I’ve been dreading for so long and you know what… it wasn’t that bad!  I knew it was going to happen and I thought I’d react worse than I did but I was actually quite calm.  Today is the day I found out GM has a new girlfriend!

My friend Sarah told me the news over lunch.  Her boyfriend is GM's friend and they all went racing in York for the weekend and GM brought her with him.  I don’t know much about her as Sarah is usually uninterested in her boyfriend’s friends and their lives and never asks the appropriate questions, but she did say that nobody liked her.  Her boyfriend even said that he wouldn’t go racing again if she was going!  I knew GM wouldn’t stay single forever and I honestly thought that when I heard he has a girlfriend I would drive straight down to Peterborough and smack her in the face, but I took it well.  It didn’t bother me as much as I thought it would.  Now that’s growth! 

So GM is well and truly out of my life.  I’ve been forced to give up my hobby.  I could maybe start stamp collecting or embroidery instead…

He text!

It was only a short message and about 17 hours after I sent him one earlier this morning but he DID text.  He said that he had fun last night and he will phone me during the week to arrange something.  On my brother’s girlfriend Sophie’s advice I waited about an hour before texting him back so as not to seem too keen.  I was breezy in my reply so now it’s up to him whether he does contact me or not.  He really has been the nicest man I’ve spoken to in a long time so it’s obvious he won’t contact me again… although if that’s the case he didn’t need to text today.  All I can do now it wait.

It was a funny evening though.  I drank a drink in each of the 14 pubs we went to and then stayed until 3am drinking more with TS.  How the hell I managed to walk home I have no idea!  I didn’t feel too ill this morning (unlike Max who threw up on his sofa!) but I just feel tired.  Early to bed I think.  Work in the morning

I have to apologise in advance as I’m writing this after quite a lot of the blue stuff! 

I’ve been on an all day session with my good friend Nancy, her brother and his friends.  I managed to get through 13 pubs in Guisborough and had a drink in each one.  We ended up in the Tap ‘n’ Spile  and we met up with a man called TS.  I don’t know where he came from, he just seemed to tag along with our crowd.  Anyway, I talked to him quite a bit and realised that he was quite a nice guy.  Lots of my crowd ended up leaving quite early (well they had had 13 pints!) so I was left with just 2 lads and TS!  The more I chatted to TS the more I realised how much I liked him.  He was so funny but really good looking as well!  I made a point to talk to him for most of the evening and he seemed pretty keen on talking to me too.  We chatted about all sorts.  He’s a teacher but is out of work at the moment as he’s just come back from a 6 month holiday to New Zealand.  Anyway, I made sure he walked me home and as I got to the top of my road he kissed me!  We swapped numbers and just before I started to write this I text him.  I said that I had a nice evening and if he wanted to have a drink sometime that might be nice.  So far I haven’t had a reply, but he is walking home and he has a long way to go.  Hopefully I’ll get a reply later.  I hope so.  He’s lovely.

So, getting out there in the real world has paid off… well I hope it has anyway!

I haven’t written about my weight loss effort for a while – and that’s because it’s not going well. 

I’m swimming and going to bums and tums but I’m eating twice as much in between!  I must be, as the scales are heading upwards still and I can only see it getting worse as the next few weeks go on.  I’ll have to do something.  Maybe I should start weighing myself in kilograms instead of pounds as someone kindly suggested on my blog as apparently you seem lose weight quicker.  I don’t suppose that method works after eating a 16 inch pizza does it???

I think I’ve gone back a step in the process of finding a husband.  For some reason a photo of GM has appeared as my desktop picture again!  All day I’ve had nothing but reminders of him.  Firstly one of “our” songs (You’ve Got the Love by Candi Staton) was played three times on the radio – bloody TFM - they always play the same song over and over again.  Secondly, my colleague kept asking me questions about him as her daughter is the same age as I was when we first started going out and she has just started seeing someone a little older.  Talking about my past experiences with him just brought him back into my mind.  Thirdly I was flicking through the music channels and With Or Without You by U2 was just starting.  This was one of “our” main songs as GM said it was us two down to a tee.  Pity he is finding it easy to live without me now!

Anyway, he’s back as my desktop picture.  My Mum just tutted when she saw it.  She doesn’t quite understand.  I don’t think most people really understand.  I should have gotten over him by now.  I know that.  I mean it has been 9 years and I’m fully aware that it’s now an obsession with me, but it’s comforting in a way.  A hobby if you like!  Missing GM is my hobby.

I have emailed 3 more men on the dating site.  No word from the Redcar man.  I don’t understand what I’m doing wrong.  I am out with my other single friend, her brother and his friends for an all day session on Saturday so you never know.  I may have more luck getting out there in the real world. 

The first man I’ve seen naked in almost 4 months was unfortunately an old, bald ugly stripper!  It was Ladies Night at the Miners in Eston last night.  Possibly not the best place for a single girl to meet men, but a good laugh nevertheless.  My friend and I rolled up not knowing what to expect.  We were given our free cocktail (a very small vodka and orange) and grabbed a table.  It wasn’t long before our other friends turned up and the drinks were a flowing.  First up was an Ann Summers type party.  I didn’t realise being an Ann Summers representative was very much like being Brown Owl in Brownies.  You get different badges depending on what you’ve done.  The rep last night was clearly very experienced as she had many of them.  Something to be proud of I guess.

We were more interested in drinking than listening to what was going on and then it was time for the stripper.  Now, I don’t like strippers.  It’s not that I’m a prude or find it offensive it just makes me cringe.  We’d previously looked at the chosen stripper online at work the day before and he was probably the best of a bad bunch.  However, the man who turned up last night was nothing like what we had seen on the website - he was short, bald and old.  I actually found it more funny than cringing and laughed all the way through it.  We were promised a 45 minute display but he was probably only on for about 10 minutes.  Maybe he got out of breath and needed a lie down!

I can’t really remember much after that point. 

I do remember falling over on the dance floor and hurting my ankle and then phoning AG to come pick me and my friend up.  Now, AG is my ex fiancé and the one I lived with for those four months.  Clearly not a good idea to anyone of a sober mind but I had gone so far passed being sober it was bound to happen.  AG and I have a strange “relationship”.  We meet up every now and again for the night (if you know what I mean) and then won’t speak for weeks.  I did have an ulterior motive for phoning him though as there was no taxis in Eston last night and I needed to get home.  He drove my friend home first and then I went back to his house.  This is when my mind goes blank.  Apparently I fell over again and really hurt my ankle (so much so I can no longer walk on it today) and promptly passed out on the floor.  A good night had by all!

AG and I will never end up together properly.  We’ve both changed too much to make it work but we do still have the chemistry between us making it impossible to say no sometimes.  There’s definitely no love there for either of us.  It’s purely a sexual thing.  Obviously this only happens because I am a young single girl with needs.  Once I get a boyfriend this will stop.

Unfortunately I can see this going on for some time as I am no further on the boyfriend front.  The man who contacted me from Redcar hasn’t bothered replying to my last email on Tuesday.  I’m not quite sure how I could get it wrong in an email, but clearly I did.  I might go on the dating site again now and send out yet more emails…

I’ll keep you posted.

I wrote to 5 men on Saturday and only one has bothered to reply, and that was to say he wasn’t interested!  However, I did get an email from a man who saw my profile who seems… OK.  He lives in Redcar which is nice and local and has similar interests to me.  He doesn’t drink though, which isn’t necessarily a bad thing but considering I’m usually downing crates of the blue stuff by 6pm each Friday I think we might have a problem!

I will go on a date with him though.  It’s a night out with interesting conversation if nothing else. 

I’ve just been wondering what it is I miss about having a boyfriend.  If I wrote the pros and cons of being single and being in a relationship I know being single would win hands down.  I love just thinking about me, doing what I want to do and going out where and when I want to.  I have my own house and I have a good job that I love so I don’t need a man to support me.  The only things I miss out on is the feeling of being close to someone, sharing special times with and of course the sex (which is not something one wants to be missing out on for too long!)  Although I have a great single life, these three things weigh on my mind which has in time spurred me to take on this mission. 

I must not fail!

I had quite a few random discussions yesterday with various people about having children.  Now, I know of quite a few people who are in their early/mid 40’s and have not had children, my cousin being one of them.  I was talking to my Aunt about her and she said that she would love to have children but she just hasn’t found the right man.  My question is do you need to find the right man to have children?  I want children but I don’t want to be an old mother.  I want to have children young enough to enjoy them but it is a possibility that I will not find the right man either.  Therefore should I not have children?  This is obviously not a dilemma I need to face now, but it may be in the not too distant future.  I do strongly believe in love and so desperately want to find it but I also want to be a mother and I’m not convinced in this day and age the two necessarily go hand in hand. 

Getting back to the main subject of finding a husband, I didn’t put my glad rags on and party last night.  Instead I took some alcohol round to my friends and sat, drank and talked about men.  She and I sat for about 2 hours scanning through all the potential men on the dating site and she managed to persuade me to email some that I wouldn’t normally bother with.  Let’s see if it pays off, although writing emails to strangers after drinking a lot of the blue stuff was probably not the best idea I have had!  Again, let’s see if anyone replies.

Well I'm nearly at the end of my first week of my search for a husband and I would have to say that I am further away from that goal than ever.  I’ve just been on the dating site to find that the man I went on a date with last weekend has been online in the last 24 hours also looking so I’m going to take that as a definite sign he didn’t like me.  I had a search for men in this area but I could only find one that I liked the look of so I emailed him.  Let’s see if he replies.

It’s Friday night and I’m sat watching Saving Private Ryan and eating chocolate biscuits.  Maybe tomorrow night I should put my glad rags on and go out.  Meet “real” people and talk to them.  None of this email malarkey!  However, my nights usually go along the lines of a few drinks in Guisborough with my only single local friend and either get chatted up by complete idiots or meet no new men at all.  Guisborough is great.  I’m not knocking it, but every weekend is the same.  The same people are out.  They go to the same pubs and sit in the same seats drinking the same beer as they always do.  I have either been out with the men in Guisborough or know someone who has!  I’m never going to find anyone here.  Guisborough is not an option.

Middlesbrough is better.  Not great, but better.

I’ll continue with the dating site but will attempt to venture out into the real world every now and again.  My husband is out there somewhere!

I am one of those people who do better under pressure.  I set deadlines for myself and 9 times out of 10 I manage to achieve what it is I want to do.  However, losing weight has never been one of the things I am able to achieve.

I’ve always been on the big side.  With a chest like mine I realise I’ve got to have a bit of extra weight to carry it off otherwise I’d topple over all the time which would be most frustrating!  But over the last four years I’ve managed to put over five stone on!  Can you believe it!  I eat when I’m happy but I eat more when I’m sad and unfortunately I have had one or two stressful situations to deal with recently.  I’m not blaming anyone or anything in particular, I just love food.  I have tried every diet there is and have even been on pills prescribed by my GP for weight loss.  I did manage to lose just under two stone last year and I have kept it off until now but lately it’s been creeping back up again.  I decided a few weeks ago that I need to do something about it.

I try and go swimming once a week and my friend and I are trying new exercise classes every Thursday.  Last week was Dancercise and tonight was Bums and Tums.  I’ve worked muscles tonight that have been lying dormant for the last few years.  They’re going to hurt tomorrow! 

Now I know this has nothing really to do with my search for a husband and I’m not saying I will find one easier if I was slim, but I think it would certainly help my self esteem and make me just that little bit more confident. 

New goal = find a husband AND lose 5 stone. 

Wish me luck!

I had a horrible dream last night.  It must have been after talking to my friend at swimming last night about GM, my first love.  It was only a general chat but it must have stirred something in my subconscious to make me dream about him.  All I remember about it was that GM came and declared his love for me and asked me to take him back.  My answer to his question just proves how unreal dreams are as I said no!  That would never happen in real life.

After AG and I split up, newly single GM and I kind of had a reconciliation.  It was weird at first as we hadn’t seen each other for so long but we soon learnt that we still got on great and god, did I fancy him!  My feelings for him had never gone away and being with him just brought new feelings to light and I was the happiest I had been in years.  He still lived away so we couldn’t see each other very much which I loathed but as I was soon to learn it suited GM well.  Every time I mentioned the possibility of a relationship he would back off saying he wasn’t ready and that we were better just being “good friends”.  This went on for nearly 2 years, meanwhile I was falling for him more and more (if that was at all possible!).  My friends warned me this was going to end badly but I believed that GM and I were meant to be together and that some day he would realise it too. 

It was last November when my rose tinted glasses were knocked off and smashed to pieces.  We were sat having a few drinks when I thought I would bring up the subject of a possible relationship again.  After much discussion he actually said the words, “When I do meet the right girl I will settle down and get married”.  My heart just sank and I was left speechless.  I had a classic moment of not knowing what to say or how to answer.  However, I knew from that moment that I was never going to get what I want.  I was not the right girl.

I did see him one more time but only to tell him that whatever it was we had was over.

Of course I’ve had the odd wobble over the last 9 months or so.  I’ve done the whole drunken text, drunken message on Facebook™ and drunken voice mail thing and I think now after the 680^th message he has finally learnt to ignore me.

Maybe I’m not over him yet.  Maybe I never will be, but he’s definitely not in the picture anymore and I have to move on. 

P. S. Still no more texts off the man I had a date with last weekend!

No more texts today.  I haven’t text him either though.  He knows I go out Tuesday nights so I’ll give him the benefit of the doubt. 

I had an interesting thought tonight whilst swimming.  Half the pool is cornered off for aqua aerobics and I noticed there were two 20 something men among a lot of young women.  I thought it was a bit strange as aqua aerobics is traditionally a thing for women to do but here they were, splashing about in the middle of the class.  Maybe they were single and if they were what a great place to meet other potential singletons! 

News just in...

I may have jumped the gun a little.  Just had a reply!  Apparently he's been busy and quite obviously is a bit rubbish.  His words, not mine!  He said he had a nice time on Saturday so read into that as you will.  I'm still not convinced.  On a positive note, it does mean that I don't have to eat my weight in chocolate tonight!

It's official...

My date clearly went wrong.  I’ve heard nothing all day and I could kick myself as I’ve just committed the ultimate dating sin.  I text him!  I should have taken it on the chin and just laughed it off but no, I have to get the final say as always.  I was nice about it though.  You can’t get annoyed with someone you've only met once.  So, it’s back to the drawing board.

Think I might have to go back onto my dating site tonight and send some emails out.  I won’t give up so easily!

My friend, who is only 29 was called a spinster not so long ago.  Out of interest I've just looked up the word spinster.  Here is the definition taken from dictionary.com:

spin·ster (sp n st r)

n.

1. A woman who has remained single beyond the conventional age for marrying.

2. A single woman.

Now what I want to know is what the conventional age for marrying is!  I read once that in the Victorian times a woman was considered to be a spinster if she turned 25 and was without a husband, or at least had a suitor in tow.  Thank god I don't live 120 years ago as I would be 2 years into my spinsterhood and would be considered too ugly or not fit enough to attract any man!  Doomed to be a spinster for the rest of my life.

I also read once about there being a shortage of potential husbands after WW1.  Many women struggled to find a man after so many had been killed at war.  I wonder whether even to this day there is still a shortage of men? 

In my case it would seem so…

Ok, well it’s the day after yet another failed date.

I presume it’s failed as he said he’d be in touch but up to now I’ve heard nothing.

Although I’ve stated this is day #1 in my search for a husband, I actually started last year except just now it seems like I need to step up my game.  I need to do something different to find the right man.  I need help!

I guess I’ve been in love twice in my life.  My first love is the most special (as they always are) and one I will love forever.  His name was GM.  We were childhood sweethearts and I thought I would spend the rest of my life with him.  However, you reach the age of 18 and think that you know it all and there must be something better out there.  I left him and went travelling.  When I returned he had moved away and was with someone else.  I managed to convince myself that what I had done was the right thing and that he wasn’t the man for me. 

It’s been 9 years and I’m STILL trying to convince myself!

In the meantime I did find love again with AG.  We got engaged and bought a house together.  The phrase “you don’t really know someone until you live with them” plays a big part in this relationship.  After just four months I knew I had to get out.

That was nearly three years ago and I am now ready to look again.

I have always thought dating sites and speed dating events weren’t really my scene.  However, I have been persuaded recently to join in the fun and sign up to both.  Firstly I went speed dating and I have to be honest I had a blast!  Alas, I didn’t fancy any of the men there but who couldn’t enjoy talking and drinking all night!  I got one match and we emailed for a while but nothing came of it.  That was last year and I haven’t been on another speed dating event since but I think I might have to go on a few more if my plan of finding a husband before I’m thirty is to work.

I have also succumbed to the dating site promise of finding love in six months!  I haven’t quite been on for six months yet so there is still hope.

I know I am not alone in my search.  I have three close friends who are in the same situation and between us and anyone who reads this blog I am sure we can come up with some inventive ideas and ways to find our husbands!

Watch this space…