OK, New Years Eve.  A time for change.  Out with the old and in with the new, or so they say.

I’ve already started getting rid of the old.  AG had been hassling me to go for a drink with him only as “friends” of course.  I think he’s now decided that in order to make me jealous or whatever it is he wants me to feel, he has to make out he’s not bothered about getting back with me and he’s happy being just friends, although he’s constantly texting me and telling me how much he likes me so that little trick doesn’t quite work.  I was sat thinking about the New Year and the new start I should be making when he text again asking if he was going to come around my house once I had moved in.  I suddenly realised that yes, although it is nice to have someone like me, I would rather it not be him. 

I’ve mentioned before in my blog that the only reason I keep him hanging on is because I don’t have a boyfriend and I’m bored.  I know it’s not a nice thing to do but he makes it so easy for me to do!  When he text I knew what I had to do.  I text back basically telling him the truth that we would never get back together again and I wasn’t really sure why we were trying to be friends because he is not someone I would want to be friends with in a normal situation.  We have nothing in common and he irritates me.  I even told him the part about only clinging onto whatever it was we did have because I am bored and have no boyfriend.

I think I got the message across because I’ve not heard anything from him since.  I really do want to go into the New Year without any baggage and without playing silly games.  I’m 28 in February and will be back in my own house.  It’s time to grow up and get rid of the idiots in my life.  Goodbye to AG, GM, TS and all the idiots I’ve had the misfortune to meet over the last few years.

I went one step closer last night when I was on Facebook™ and deleted everyone who I have not even muttered a word to since school.  What’s the point? 

As for New Years Resolutions, well… do I really need to say?

Well Christmas has been and gone and I had not so much as a peck on the cheek let alone a snog under the mistletoe!  Why do I have so much expectation about Christmas?  I always feel it’s a magical time of year where the things you want most happen.  I was certainly wrong this year.  I’m not saying nothing at all has happened over the last few weeks, it has but nothing concrete.  Nothing I can take into the New Year as a positive sign that 2009 is going to be the year for me. 

I’ve not really been concentrating on my love life recently.  Since I got the keys back to my house I’ve been stripping wall paper, organised a damp proof course and plasterer.  Not a very glamorous time for me being covered head to toe in plaster and sticky wallpaper glue.  As it’s the party season I have been to a few do’s and even managed, reasonable successfully to chat up a young man at my work’s Christmas party.  I heard my friend Sarah in my ear telling me to make the effort and flirt a bit.  I thought I was doing OK until I turned around and saw him talking to one of the more attractive ladies in our department, not only attractive but a nurse!  Needless to say I didn’t speak to him again that night.

Christmas Eve was slightly more interesting.  I’d gone out with Nancy, her sister and her sister’s friends.  It started off quite a dull night really.  Guisborough was dead.  The pubs were empty and there was no atmosphere.  I was quite tempted to go home early but Nancy persuaded me to stay out and I’m quite pleased I did in a way.  In the last pub I bumped into BM.  He is the friends of TS who I accidentally snogged a few months ago!  I hadn’t seen him since that night and was a little bit embarrassed.  I could have sat in the corner and pretend that I hadn’t seen him or I could acknowledge him and get over the embarrassment.  I saw him looking at me so I gave a little smile and nodded my head.  He took that as an invitation to come over and talk which was a little awkward but OK.  I mentioned that I’d had enough of the pub we were in and was going to try getting into the Tap where there had been some people that I knew from school that I wanted to catch up with.  BM said that he’d probably see me in there which I thought would be unlikely as it was already quite late and all his friends usually stay in the Globe.  I left and thought no more about it.  Unfortunately I was unable to get back into the Tap and instead of waiting in the queue I decided to get a pizza and a taxi home.

I’d just sat down to eat my pizza when I got a text from BM.  He asked if I’d left the Tap?  I really didn’t think he’d go!  I text back and told him that I hadn’t been able to get in and so went home.  He then text back and said, “Damn.  The only reason I came here was for you. x.”  Hmmm… I wasn’t sure what to say about that so I said nothing.

I have heard  nothing more from him since then.  I went out Boxing Day night and hoped I would bump into him but he wasn’t out.  Who knows where that will go, probably nowhere but it’s a start! 

It is New Years Eve this week.  I know nothing will happen then as I’m just having a quiet-ish one with my friends.  Then it will be 2009.  A whole new year to search for a husband.  Let’s just hope the search ends soon.

BREAKING NEWS!

Tonight I was moaning on to my Mum about my size 18/20 trousers hanging off me.  There’s no shape to them and I look like I’m wearing a potato sack for work each day.  So my Mum said I should try some of her size 16 trousers which are now too big for her (she’s lost 1 ½ stone now herself!).  They only bloody fit!  They zipped straight up without having to lie on the floor so my stomach is flatter – and then having a job to stand up again let alone walk!  I have now lost a total of 22 lbs and 2 dress sizes.  It’s not the 2 stone target I set myself before Christmas but it’s a great start.

Although my diet is going well my love life on the other hand is not.  Nothing is happening at all.  Kay and I went out on Saturday and even though all the pubs were busy and the girl:boy ratio was on our side there just didn’t seem to be anybody special out.  We will have to try new places in the New Year.  There must be someone out there somewhere [other than Guisborough it would seem].

I’ve been neglecting my blog over the last few weeks for no other reason except from the fact that absolutely nothing has happened, well nothing worth mentioning anyway.  AG randomly started texting me again and I wondered whether he and his new girlfriend had finished but no… it was just another attempt to get me to go out with him again.  Will he ever give up?  If he’s anything like I was with GM for the best part of 12 years the answer is NO.  I think the only way he is ever going to give up is when I’ve finally met someone and settled down (and even then I’m not convinced!)  I hate to admit it but I’m actually quite happy for him to keep trying to get me back.  I do again feel sorry for his girlfriend (who he has admitted he doesn’t really like) but at the same time it’s nice to get some attention.  Oooh I am pure evil!

The only other semi-interesting thing that has happened is that an ex of mine (who will go by the name of LC) added me as a friend on Facebook™.  He’s probably the best looking man I’ve been out with to date and he’s still so hot.  We have sent a few messages to each other and his message seemed a bit flirty.  He was telling me about his new flat in Saltburn and then all of sudden stated that he was single and asked if I was seeing anyone.  He then gave me his mobile number!  I decided to ignore the fact that he gave me his number and just messaged him back on Facebook™ also ignoring his question of my relationship status. 

Talking of relationship statuses… I was so sick of seeing the word “single” underneath my name on my Facebook™ profile and convinced it was a bad omen I decided to delete my status forever thus leaving people to guess whether I was a singleton or not.  The day after I deleted it I started getting text messages off friends and Facebook™ messages asking what was going on and had I met someone?  I don’t think I’ve been so popular in years!  When I deleted my status I didn’t realise that it would show up on everyone’s home page that I was no longer listed as being single!  It’s true… I wasn’t listed as being single but I didn’t think everyone would think I had a boyfriend.  It was very amusing but I felt quite bummed having to tell everyone that in fact I was still well and truly SINGLE.

I haven’t been out since our works night out three weeks ago so my friend Kay and I have bravely decided to have another night out in Guisborough tomorrow.  I’m not drinking this time so there’ll be no declaration of love to a certain TS and no snogging his friend this time… unless the urge takes me I suppose!

Last night was our works night out but unfortunately it was uneventful.  I don’t think any of us were really in the mood to be stupid (I think I’ve been stupid enough for this month – see the entries below!).  I decided not to drink which was a good idea at the start but by about 11.30pm everyone else was drunk and starting to really piss me off… not my friends of course but other idiots in the bar we went to.  If I had of been drinking I probably would have been diving off the stage and falling about like the rest of them but last night I just found them really annoying. 

I had told my friends that I was going to practice my chat up skills last night but when it came down to it I couldn’t be bothered.  My friend Sarah was trying to get me chatting to lots of different men, all of whom I would not have picked for myself.  We then played a game of who I might fancy and each time she got it wrong.  Now you have to bear in mind that Sarah thinks anyone who has muscles, is tanned and bald is heavenly so you can guess what kind of men she was picking out for me!  Granted there were a few nice men out but I was so wound up by then I just couldn’t even muster a smile at them.

I don’t know whether it was just the mood I was in last night but it does seem to be a regular occurrence that I can’t be bothered with men.  Here I am desperate to find a nice man to spend the rest of my life with but on the other hand I give out this negativity that stops me from meeting any.  I know I do it all the time.  I have had one or two quite nice men come over to talk to me in the recent past and I just basically tell them to piss off and leave me alone.  Sarah said I should just chat up any man who talks to me whether I think he’s nice or not but I just can’t do the whole innocent banter thing.  She can but only because she’s been with the same man for almost 12 years now and it doesn’t matter who she talks to as nothing will ever happen.  I don’t want to waste my time talking to someone I don’t like, but then again I don’t seem to like anyone these days.  The only man I liked recently turned out to be just like the rest.

I hope I’m not losing interest in my quest to find a husband!  I’m sure it’s just a blip and I’ll be back to my old positive self soon.

On a more cheerful note I did really well at Weight Watchers™ this week.  I lost 3lbs making 18lbs in total.  I’m desperate to lose another 3lbs this week to get to 1 ½ stone leaving only ½ stone to go before Christmas and my first successful target.  I’ve still got a long way to go but I’m definitely making head way now. 

Another cheerful development is that I found out my tenant is moving out.  I gave him his 2 months notice last week and I was hoping he’d stay on as long as he could but he has already found somewhere else to live so I am getting the keys back around 19th December.  I was a bit shocked at first as I had it in my head that I’d be moving back in the New Year which seems a long way off.  Now I’ve thought about it I think it’s a good thing.  I’ll spend a month or two doing it up a bit and move back in February, just before my 28th birthday.  OK, I don’t have a boyfriend but I have a good job that I love and my own house and independence.  I’ve almost got the whole package! 

2009 is going to be a good one I just know it.

What an uninteresting week I’ve had in the search for a husband.  As I suspected I’ve heard nothing more from TS or from BM actually.  I was clearly only lovely that night! 

As I’m scared of going out on a Saturday night now incase I bump into anyone I’ve made a fool of myself in front of (the whole of Guisborough obviously!), I decided to go out on Friday with my friend Paul, his boyfriend and his sister.  It was lovely seeing them.  Paul and Ryan are the cutest couple you’ve ever met.  I’m actually quite jealous of them.  If only I could find someone who looks at me like Ryan looks at Paul.  So much love going on!

I did get chatted up by the Aldi Manager today.  Mum and I went to Aldi because we’ve heard nothing from the wine company about my little accident a month ago and I needed to get some money from them for the dress I ruined.  The manager was actually quite cute.  He asked if they had my number to contact me and as I followed him he turned and said that he didn’t mind taking my number down whilst giving me the biggest grin!  Cheesy but just what I need to hear right now.  Anyway, I bought some cous cous (as you do) and left.

Moment over. 

So now I’m sat in on a Saturday night in my pajamas watching the X-Factor.  Just what a young single girl should be doing of course!  However, it’s “Lads Night Out part IV” next Friday with the girls from work so who knows what might happen.  Something always does!

This is the first time I have felt well enough to write my blog all weekend.  It was the famous TS’s 30^th birthday on Saturday and I was so excited.  I had recruited a few friends to come out with me.  I was going to look gorgeous and he was going to realise how much he likes me and then we’d be together forever.  However, it didn’t quite work out like that.

All of my friends cancelled on me, one about 3 hours before going out.  Luckily, my friend from work saved the day and agreed to come out with me.  At about 6pm I randomly received a text from the said TS telling me that they’d be in the Globe for most of the evening.  I haven’t had a text off him since we had those few dates over 2 months ago so I got very excited.  He wouldn’t have text me if he didn’t want to see me so things were looking good.  Kay came over and we had a few cheeky vodka’s before going out for 8pm.  Now bearing in mind that I haven’t had any alcohol for nearly 3 months and I hadn’t eaten much that day it’s safe to say that after only 2 glasses I was amusingly tipsy and after having another few vodka’s in the pub I was then [not] amusingly drunk!

It got to about 10.30 and we decided to head up to the Globe.  TS was nowhere to be seen but his friends were so we noisily sat down with them.  TS then came in from having a cigarette I guess and looked quite surprised to see me.  After this time my memory of the evening becomes slightly vague!  I think TS left to go to the Tap so we followed.  I remember being in the Tap beer garden and I think I did actually tell TS that I liked him.  I honestly can’t remember much else after that apart from the pizza shop (which I have been told I was very good and declined any food) and then walking home with 2 of TS’s friends.  I DO remember that I ended up snogging BM at the top of my road and then having run off home I had to go back out again to look for my phone which was just lying in someone’s garden!  Oh dear.

I somehow managed to get to bed and promptly passed out.

In the morning I started to have the odd flash back as you do.  I thought I’d better text BM to apologise as I figured it was probably me who jumped on him.  He was really sweet actually and told me never to apologise.  He ended his text by saying he thinks I’m lovely.  I didn’t really know how to reply to that so I made some half arsed attempt of a joke and said something like I didn’t feel lovely that morning.  I won’t think too much of what he said as I really don’t think anyone in their right mind would have thought I was lovely that night.  TS certainly didn’t!

I doubt I’ll be hearing from TS again.  It was just so strange that he text me but then basically ignored me all evening.  I think I’ll have to give up on him now.  In the words of Fred Astaire in that film he did, I’ve got to "Pick myself up, brush myself off, and start all over again!"

… and again and again and again!

Good news in the weight loss project.  I lost another 3 lbs last night making a grand total of 13 ½ lbs in only 6 weeks!  I was annoyed about the ½ lb needed to get my stone but I will get it by next week.  I will have successfully completed stage 1 of my weight loss plan.  Next stage is to lose another stone by Christmas and with 8 weeks to go until then I think I may just do it. 

Actually there’s no may about it.  I have to do it!  I bought a new dress, well technically Aldi™ bought me a new dress to replace the one I ripped at the anniversary party but I bought a size 16.  I usually take an 18 but things have been a little looser recently and I figured that as I will have lost another stone by Christmas I will fit into it for my works party on the 12th December.  If not it will fit by the dreaded 30th birthday party of my friends boyfriend in January where I’ll be mingling with AG and GM and of course their girlfriends.  Bring on the lettuce!

I actually managed to venture outside the house this last weekend.  It was only to Guisborough but I hadn’t seen my friend for a while so went for a catch up.  I was happy as I actually found a dress that covered the hideousness that is my chest! 

My friend has had a hard time over the last few years.  Her husband, the only man she has ever been with just up and left 2 years ago.  No warning that anything was wrong.  He just told her he didn’t want to be married anymore.  She moved back to Guisborough after 15 years of marriage.  What a swine!  Although it was a while ago she hasn’t got over it, not even started to think about getting over it really although she is trying to move on.  She had a date last week with a chap her sister knows and they had a good time.  She didn’t hear anything from him over the next few days so she text him to see how he was and if he wanted to go out again.  Surprise surprise, she got the same old line of “I’m just not ready for a relationship at the moment!”  Now where have I heard that before? 

I felt so sorry for her as she’s not really ready for a relationship herself.  All she wanted was some company and someone to go out with once in a while.  Why do men assume we woman want to tie them down and have babies straight away?  Not every woman is like me!  

I was speaking to my friend’s sister that night who expressed her worry for her.  She thinks it’s a lot harder to start relationships in this day and age.  It’s changed from when she was single when marriage was the done thing.  I suppose people have too much freedom nowadays.  I mentioned this theory to my parents who agreed.  Dad blames television, but then again he blames television for everything so I don’t think we can use that as a reason for this!  Mum said that people these days have no morals.  They go from one person to the next and feel no need to settle down.  But there must be people like myself who, OK clearly do go from one person to the next but they are actively seeking out someone to share their life with.  There has to be.  I just can’t believe that things have changed so much that people have stopped looking for “the one”.  I must be the one for someone!

I have now been doing this blog for 107 days and I am nowhere near where I wanted to be and I feel like I’ve learnt absolutely nothing about relationships or men for that matter.  I just don’t understand how they work.  Does anyone?

I watched Deal Or No Deal™ yesterday and there was a lady on it who incidentally came from Middlesbrough.  Apparently she was very superstitious and was told many years ago that if you pull a hair out of your own head and drop it from a height the shape it lands in indicates the letter of the man you will marry.  She actually married a man whose name started with the letter her hair made!  I told my friend Kay at work about this and we both promptly attempted to try it out. 

Kay’s landed in a “fishhook” shape (which we all thought was a ‘J’ for her new beau Jamie - although she argued this suggestion).  Mine landed in a definite ‘S’ shape.  So there you go… my ‘S’ is out there somewhere and now all I have to do is find him!

I haven’t written for a while.  I’ve been preoccupied with organising my parents ruby wedding anniversary party this past weekend.  After all my planning it went without a hitch.  The perfect party you might say!  Everyone had a great time and it even brought together some people who for one reason or other haven’t been the best of friends of late.  It was the start of good things to come for the Weller family I’m sure of it. 

Except of course my bad luck came to bite my on the ass 10 minutes into the party… or should I say stab me in the chest!  I somehow managed to stab myself in the chest with a broken wine bottle (don’t ask how!) and sliced my brand new dress L  It wasn’t too deep although I have a horrible feeling it may scar.  I’m going to look so pretty with big red scars on my chest... but as I keep telling myself, it could have been worse.  It could have been my face or my throat! 

What I am now thinking is will I get to celebrate my ruby wedding anniversary?  If I marry at my ideal age of 30 (only 2 years, 4 months now) that means I’ll be 70 for my ruby anniversary and I probably won’t even reach my golden anniversary.  Although at this rate I doubt I’ll even make my 1st anniversary!

I’ve had no breakthrough with TS yet although I did manage to chat to him last night on Facebook™ but it’s not really the same thing.  He was so sweet, even over email and really makes me laugh.  He’s spending a lot of time in Newcastle since starting university again.  Photos of him keep popping up on Facebook™ all the time on nights out and at gigs etc.  It looks like he’s having a ball.  I think I’ve lost him for good… not that I ever really had him in the first place.

I have no more news.  I’ve not been concentrating on my love life for the past few weeks.  I think speed dating killed that notion for a while but maybe it’s time to get back out there and try again with someone completely new this time.  Let’s be happy for TS and his new life up North.  Let’s feel glad that AG has found love again and is getting on with his life and let’s feel OK about GM and his new girlfriend… OK is all I can muster for him I’m afraid! 

It’s starts here.  I’m part of the Weller family and it’s going to be good from now on… scarred boobs or no scarred boobs!

Lately I have been feeling pathetically single.  I actually find myself staring at couples in the pubs daydreaming that one day I might be just as happy as them.  I’m surprised I haven’t been punched or propositioned for a threesome yet!  I just don’t know what I’m doing wrong.  People around me seem to be getting on with their lives but I seem to be stuck or even in reverse sometimes.  I love my job, I have a fantastic family and in every other way I’m perfectly happy but I just feel… empty. 

I’ve started to feel like this ever since I saw AG with his new girlfriend a few weeks ago.  I know I have no right to feel jealous but for 6 years now he’s loved only me.  I know I sound totally selfish but I want him to keep being in love with me even though I have no intention of ever going back with him.  At least I know I’m loved by someone even if nobody else seems to want to fall in love with me.  Above all else I really miss TS.  I know it’s stupid as we only had three dates but I honestly haven’t met anyone like him in a long long time and bearing in mind the last person who I thought the same about was over 12 years ago, it doesn’t happen very often to me.  I was hoping to hang onto him as a friend and then maybe, fingers crossed he would go ahead and start falling in love with me, but I think that plan is a non starter now.  He’s started a masters degree in Newcastle and has hooked up with loads of his old university friends and seems to be up there a lot.  I even popped into the Tap tonight to see if he was in but he wasn’t. 

I sat in last night on my own watching Bridget Jones for the hundredth time.  She was 33 when she and Mark Darcy fell in love so there’s still hope for me!

It’s nearly been a week since speed dating but this is the first chance I’ve had to sit down and write on my blog.  I’m trying to keep busy at the moment to keep my mind off TS, GM and AG… and possibly every other ex boyfriend I’ve ever had!  I honestly believe that I’ll be single for a long time yet.

Obviously my last sentence shows how successful speed dating was!  It was a complete disaster but very amusing.  My two friends and I were actually quite surprised at the amount of really nice looking men there.  The event I went to in Middlesbrough were full of typical ‘Boro’ lads (anyone from the North East will know what I mean – not my kind of men) but Yarm was different.  Of course you get the same weirdo’s  everywhere you go… there was the guy with the shell necklace, the man who didn’t speak for the 5 minutes allowed apart from letting me know that he likes to wear woman’s shoes on a weekend and some very odd taxi driver from Iran who only liked “good music, good films and good food”.  I think ‘good’ was the only word he knew in English! 

Among these peculiar men were actually some really decent, genuine, funny men.  Unfortunately I sat one table in front of my mate Nancy, who was looking particularly gorgeous that night.  I might have made an impression on a man I was talking to but then they went to see Nancy and I was clearly forgotten about!  I don’t blame them… she was on top form that night.  Hilarious. 

I think one of my friends and I put ‘date’ for about 5 different men, some of whom were probably the same man (I also put 2 ‘friends’ down too).  Nancy only put 2 dates down and a few maybes.  After it was over we stayed and chatted to a few of the men and then went home. 

My friend and I eagerly awaited our results but we needn’t have bothered.  I did get 2 friendship matches but to be honest I’m not looking for another friend. 

The next day at work I had an email from one of the friendship matches asking if I want to meet up for a drink sometime.  It was the man who wore the shell necklace!  I didn’t really want to reply but felt mean so I just sent him a quick email asking if he was on Facebook™ and maybe we could chat on there.  I don’t particularly want to go for a drink with him but wouldn’t mind chatting on there for a bit.  I haven’t had a reply yet and really I’m not bothered if he doesn’t add me as a friend. 

So, 75 days of searching for a husband and I’m still at square one.  On a positive note I did lose 4.5 lbs at Weight Watchers™ this week!  It’s weigh-in on Wednesday and I know I’ve done really well, if not better than last week so I might have almost reached the half a stone milestone after just two weeks.  I feel very motivated and if I’m completely honest not having a boyfriend is spurring me on a bit.  I’m not saying that I’m more likely to get a boyfriend if I’m slimmer but it might make certain people notice me a bit more… TS and GM to name but a few! 

I also started my digital photography course this week and as I suspected it’s full off older people, one of whom really didn’t know how to turn his camera on.  I’m certainly not going to meet anyone there. 

I’m at a loss now of what to do next (suggestions greatly appreciated).  I do miss TS though so I might make a trip down the Tap next week in the hope of bumping into him.  What a sad life I lead…

Last night was a complete disaster.  Well, that might be a bit extreme but it wasn’t a very nice evening, for me anyway.  I arranged to meet my friends in a pub in Redcar at 8pm.  I was driving so I got there on time and wandered into the pub, only to bump straight into my ex fiancé AG on a date!  He didn’t see me come in so I sneakily went around him to the bar, got a drink and sat down out of his sight.  I felt so uncomfortable sitting there on my own when they were just in front of me looking quite cosy.  My friends eventually arrived 15 minutes late and I started to feel a bit more at ease.  Just then AG and his new girlfriend came to the bar and he then saw me.  We exchanged pleasantries and off he went.  After getting his drink he and his girlfriend stood right next to our table.  I ignored them and tried to listen attentively to my friend’s conversation but he was so obviously trying to get me to notice them.  We left quickly and went to another pub but only a few minutes later he followed us in and stood right next to us again.  

This happened in three different pubs before I had to do something.  He was being so obvious it was actually quite embarrassing.  I essentially felt sorry for his new girlfriend who clearly didn’t have a clue who I was or she wouldn’t have been happy to be paraded in front of me.  In the fourth pub I sent him a text message telling him to grow up and stop being so transparent.  I said that I was happy he had a new girlfriend but I didn’t want to have it rubbed in my face.  He wrote back quite quickly basically admitting he was doing it on purpose because I had apparently rubbed his face in me and GM being together.  A slight bit of revenge on AG’s part I think. 

I continued to get texts throughout the night which I tried to ignore.  Poor girlfriend! 

I’ve now made a conscious decision not to contact AG again.  There really is no need for us to be friends.  We don’t get on and we just wind each other up all the time.  We only use each other for sex and clearly I’m no longer needed.

So that’s GM and AG with girlfriends and here I am still single.  Oh well, I’ve got speed dating to look forward to tomorrow!  God help me.

I have a new plan.

The last few Saturdays I have been out in Guisborough in the same pub knowing TS will be there.  He was looking for me when my friend and I went out (the night he told me he didn’t want a relationship) and he looked very relieved to see me last week when we got to the pub late.  Maybe he thought I was coming and was disappointed when I didn’t show up.  So, my plan for this week is not to show up at all.  I’m actually going to go out with some friends in a different town so I can’t bump into him.  With any luck he might miss not seeing me tonight. 

I don’t expect he’ll miss me so much he’ll declare his undying love for me (although that would be nice!).  All I want is for him to think about me just for a second and be a little frustrated that I’m not there.  I might even not go out next weekend either!  I’m not going to avoid him long term though… I still want him to see me and maybe, just maybe he’ll go ahead and fall in love with me like he should! 

P.S I’ve just realised that With Or Without You by U2 has been playing while I’ve been writing this and I’ve only just now started thinking about GM when the song is nearly over.  Usually when I hear the first few bars of the song I break down… now that’s progress!  Oooh, I Don’t Love You by MCR has now come on. 

Is that a sign?

Weight Watchers™ started and speed dating booked!

I’m starting Weight Watchers™ with my Mum tomorrow night.  I must lose some of this weight that I’ve put on.  It’s silly but I’m only 5lbs off  the heaviest I’ve ever been!  I’m currently sat eating pink pig sweets.  That’ll have to stop as from tomorrow… willpower Laura!

63 days I've done nothing but think about finding a husband.  I've tried internet dating and speed dating to find the perfect man and I go and find him in my local pub in my home town.  He's my perfect man alright but problem is he isn't MY man… yet!

I admit it.  I’ve fallen completely head over heals, can’t eat, can’t sleep in love with TS.  Well… when I say can’t eat I’m lying because clearly I am eating and when I say can’t sleep I’m lying again as I always fall asleep after eating so much… so really I’m just head over heals about him!  Why do I always fall for men who are emotionally unavailable?  I haven’t met anyone like him for so long and I was beginning to think men like that didn’t exist… then along he comes, steals my heart and flies off again.

We hadn’t spoken or messaged each other since our chat the other weekend but I went out this Saturday to celebrate a friends birthday (actually the same friend who introduced me to him) and I was hoping he might be out too.  I knew he’d be in our local but my friends were insisting on staying in some really dodgy pubs and showed no sign of moving.  Anyway, eventually at 12.30am we headed to the pub and within minutes of us being there along comes TS.  He ignored the bar and came straight over to see me and gave me the biggest hug ever!  Oh, I could just die in his arms… he’s such a big man that his arms just engulf me and I feel so safe pulled into his chest [pausing for a second to remember]!  Anyway, I just know that he likes me.  He was very touchy feely and was leaning in really close to speak to me, which of course had nothing to do with the extremely loud music playing at the time!  We spoke for a few minutes before he left to have a cigarette.

I was so proud of myself.  I was still a bit flirty but played it very cool. 

I just don’t understand men in their late twenties.  They appear to crave the single life, whereas us ladies in our late twenties crave a relationship.  I think they think that time is running out and they need to behave like they’re 18 again - going out with their other single late twenties friends and getting drunk.  We ladies also think that time is running out but instead of pretending we’re 18 again we yearn for a more mature, settled existence.  BABIES! 

I have another theory though.  When a man hits 30 I think they start panicking… they too want a more mature, settled existence and I intend to be there when TS hits 30 this November!  He’ll realise that I’m just the girl he needs and I’ll have my fairytale ending!  

Until this time though I’ll continue the search for a husband, just in case my theory doesn’t work.  Right… lets sign up for speed dating!

Ok, I’m back to square one. 

What is it with nearly 30-year-olds being afraid of commitment?  Firstly GM telling me he’s not ready for a relationship (although clearly a lie) and now TS says the same.  I thought we were having a good time and getting along great.  We had our third date last Friday where I picked him up and drove to a pub on the moors.  Again we never stopped talking the whole time and I was getting some positive vibes from him.  We had a lovely day, only spoilt by his need for constant pain killers after suffering toothache.  When I dropped him off he told me to get in touch again and off he went.

I was at a wedding on Saturday … a great reminder that I’m single and nowhere near my own wedding, although at that time I thought I was possibly a little closer!  After the reception I decided to meet my friend and have a few more drinks out in Guisborough after having the sneaky suspicion that TS might be out too.  I was right.  He saw me in the pub and gave me the biggest smile.  As I went to toilet he came to the bar through the opposite door and my friend said it was so obvious he was looking around for me.  We eventually spoke to each other when he left his friends and came to join me and my friend.  Him and my friend chatted loads and she admitted she thought he was really nice.  I felt so happy that he had made the effort to come and meet my friends – a definite positive in my book!

At 2.30am we left the pub.  My friend got a taxi back to Brotton and TS walked me home.  We chatted all the way home and he even linked arms with me.  We sat at the top of my road and he really opened up to me telling me about how miserable he had been after his fiancé left him.  He really has been through a tough time.  As he was talking it suddenly dawned on me that he and I weren’t going to happen.  He had been hurt too badly to trust anyone again. 

I got the expected text message on Sunday afternoon explaining that he thought I was a great girl and he wished things could be different but he just couldn’t face being in a relationship right now.  I replied saying that I understood completely and that I would still like to be his friend.  He hasn’t done anything wrong and I really appreciate his friendship… and you never know… maybe he might change his mind and realise that I’m worth taking a chance on!

So for now I’m as single as they come.  Back to the drawing board, thinking up of ways to meet the perfect man.

I’ve actually joined a photography class which starts in two weeks time.  There might be some young budding photographers there, although more likely it’ll be full of older people afraid of their digital cameras!

I still have the doctors’ ball this Friday so let’s see who’s there… 

Well it looks as though I was worrying about nothing, as per usual.  I had a Facebook™ message from TS on Friday night to say that he was in Felixstowe visiting family this weekend and he would speak to me soon.  So I’m happy again.

I went to a hog roast BBQ yesterday with a few of my friends and a lot of his friends. My friend Nancy was on a mission to find out as much about TS as possible.  I didn’t want any part of it as I didn’t want to seem like I was snooping, but I was of course interested to know what Nancy found out!  Apparently TS has not long since broken up with his fiancé which I suppose is why he left the UK for a while to go travelling.  I did the same thing when I split up from GM and I really wanted to do the same thing when AG and I broke up (well I would have actually preferred HIM to leave - preferably the planet) but I couldn’t afford it.

TS’s friend BM (who gate crashed our second date) is actually his ex fiancé’s brother which I thought would be weird, but having spoken to BM at the hog roast he seems pretty keen for TS to find a new girlfriend.  So, I now know to play it really really cool with him.  It must still be raw for him and I wouldn’t want to put my foot in it somehow but likewise I don’t want to be hurt either.  If it’s too soon for him then I don’t want to start falling for him and end up being let down again.  It’s been over 3 years for me now and I’m ready to find love again but I know how hard it is.

I’ve mentioned my second date in this entry but I’ve just realised I’ve not written about it.

Well, we went out last Saturday evening.  He met me at the top of my road and we walked to the pub together.  Again we chatted all the way there.  We sat outside in the beer garden and chatted some more.  He’s so funny and really clever.  I learnt a lot of interesting things from him – you can tell he’s a teacher, but he’s not patronising or anything.  Anyway, we must have chatted for about an hour when one of his friends came and sat with us.  I knew him quite well too so I was happy to chat to him.  However, next thing I knew four other people had joined us!  TS gave me a wink which I took to mean he was sorry but I was fine with it.  I actually had a really nice time.  I think having other people there to talk to can make the evening more relaxing… although when I get relaxed I tend to drink too much and I have to admit I did drink too much that night.  The alcohol just kept flowing and before I knew it I was pretty sozzled!  Before I lost all my memory (and sense I suspect!) I do remember that TS kissed me in the middle of the pub and in front of all his friends.  He didn’t snog me, but gave me a few gentle kisses on the lips in between conversation.  It was lovely. 

The rest of the night is a bit of a blur but the bits I do remember I will keep to myself!

I spoke to him on the Sunday as I was worried that I’d made a total fool of myself but he said I was funny, so that’s ok.  Sunday evening is when the Facebook™ saga began but thankfully that’s over with now.

I’m off on holiday this week so I hope to get a third date with him, maybe a nice trip out somewhere and then a drink in a pub on the moors.  I might drive in order to stay sober this time!  I’m still not sure what’s happening between us yet.  I would like a kiss when we’re both sober as that to me says it all so we’ll see what happens this week.